Mary Berry Salad Dressing

The last time I wrote about a Mary Berry product, I wasn’t too complimentary. My harsh words have made it the most read blog post I’ve ever written, so it’s tempting to be mean about her again just so I can benefit from more views. However that’s not my style, I have to be fair and judge good old Mary on her products not for selfish reasons. I’m happy to write the awful carrot cake mix off as a minor blip on the Mary Berry landscape. The sugar levels present in a packet cake mix, would not be there in a salad dressing, of that I was confident. So however good or bad the dressing ended up being at least it wouldn’t put my teeth on edge.

Just looking at the packaging you could tell that the salad dressing was in a different league to the carrot cake. The packaging is all royal blue with gold lettering and proudly boasts that it has been “approved by the vegetarian society”. Generally if something has been given a green light by a vegetarian it puts me off, but I think salad dressing is a fair exception.

It needs a good shake to emulsify the dressing and I’ve always found it intensely satisfying getting the thick gloop that sits on the top to mix with the oil below. The end result is a light mustardy colour, flecked with mustard seeds and herbs. I tipped the bottle and some dressing wobbled out onto the leaves.

I had a taste and couldn’t quite believe it – after all that work distancing herself from the carrot cake low point, Mary has created another product that is so sweet it would take Mr Cadbury by surprise. Yes there is a bit of heat from the mustard and some sharpness from the vinegar but even they could not fight against the wave of sugar.

I took a look at the ingredients and sugar came second in the list, which I’m pretty sure isn’t right for something meant for a salad. So I then looked at the nutritional information and found that sugar made up 27.4g of every 100g. Yes you read that right over a quarter of the ingredients in a Mary Berry salad dressing is sugar!

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you may have gathered that I’m more hedonistic than to care about nutritional content. For me flavour is the most important thing. I’d have a blatant disregard to my arteries and happily chew on a block of lard if it tasted good, and therein lies the rub. The salad dressing does not taste better for all that sugar, a little less of it, a bit more mustard and Mary would be onto a winner. I’m sorry Mary but you’ve let me down again.

Mary Berry Salad Dressing 260g (can’t remember the price – about £3 I think)

4/10

Heston from Waitrose Salted Caramel Popcorn Ice Cream

Here I am, once again writing about a Heston product. It’s an ice cream that I have had sitting in the freezer for a couple of months. Every now and again I dip into the tub, have a taste and think that I must write it up. The reason it has taken me so long (apart from laziness) is that every time I eat some of the stuff I feel differently about it. I’ve hit every notch on the scale from ‘meh’ to amazement which makes it tricky to write a coherent blog post. It has also made me doubt everything I have ever written on this blog. What if those Barry Norman pickled onions were actually horrid? What if that Reggae Reggae chocolate was actually the best chocolate ever made? What if for the past couple of years I have been doing a disservice to celebrities who put their name to food products right across the land? Perhaps I need to make my taste testing more thorough, and much like a New York Times restaurant critic I should try each product at least 3 times before writing about it. The upshot is I can’t be bothered, and I don’t imagine anyone takes my blog as seriously as the New York Times so I think I’m safe.

Salted caramel is everywhere these days, and I have no problem with that - I’m a big fan. Heston has gone the extra mile and coupled the ubiquitous stuff with ubiquitous popcorn and  everyone loves popcorn, so this ice cream should be a winner.

It sounds like the kind of thing that could easily bring on type 2 diabetes and it tastes like it could too. One consistent across all my tastings is that this was an ice cream for people with a sweet tooth. It’s not just sweet because of the caramel and popcorn, the ice cream base isn’t sugar shy either.

The salted caramel comes in the form of dark shards of crunch which is a surprising texture to find lurking in an ice cream, it is more caramel than salt though which is a shame as the saltiness could have countered the sweetness. The popcorn comes as blitzed up pieces rather than whole kernels, which is a good idea as it maintains the chewiness of popcorn, I imagine whole kernels frozen in cream would turn to a mushy bleurgh.

Having tasted the stuff again today before writing I’m feeling quite positive about it. If I have some more tomorrow I will probably feel differently again.

Heston from Waitrose Salted Caramel Popcorn Ice Cream £2.99 for 500ml

Somewhere between 4 and 7/10

Lawrence Dallaglio Italian Slow-Baked Tomatoes

This week has been a tough one. I left a company I have been working at for 12 years, I have been getting to grips with everything that goes with a new job, and I have ended up blogging about a food stuff I’m not really fussed about. I can only imagine how much sympathy you feel for me right now.

Last time I had a Lawrence Dallaglio product I was pleasantly surprised. He made a pasta sauce that had a big rugby player sized thwack of flavour, even though it lacked subtlety. It was better than many sauces in a jar, but there was still room for improvement. Then the other day in Waitrose I spied some slow-baked tomatoes in a jar and thought I should give them a go.

I’m not a fussy eater, I’ve eaten pigs ears, spleen, glands and other bits of miscellaneous offal by the bucket load, but, when it comes to tomatoes I’ve always struggled a bit. I’ve got no problem using them as a base to a sauce or blitzed into a vinegary ketchup, but when folk get rhapsodic about cherry tomatoes on the vine, eat them whole and relish that burst of tomato gloop, I get a bit queasy. Also I’m not the greatest fan of antipasti; olives, oily tomatoes, gherkins etc etc blah blah blah just have me yearning for something a bit more substantial. So it was with some trepidation that I unscrewed the lid.

I tried to conquer my natural gag reflex that kicks in when something too oily or too tomatoey is heading my way and took a bite. The first sensation was oiliness, next came a hit of sweet, sharp tomato and last of all a blast of chilli heat.The flavours are full on and give you a smack about the chops. Don’t buy them if you’re looking for subdued as you won’t find subdued in this jar. As I suspected I didn’t really like it, however I imagine if you’re the kind of person who is into oily tomatoes these would be right up your street. I’d hate my tomato prejudice get in the way of your delectation though, so give them a go and oil up your bouche.

Lawrence Dallaglio Italian Slow-Baked Tomatoes £2.99 for 285g

7/10 If you’re a normal tomato lover

3/10 If you’re me

Dhruv Baker British Curry Rice

I am sat watching Masterchef, and there are fish balls being served with roast potatoes and tinned tomato sauce. It reminds me just how far Dhruv Baker has come since he competed in the 2010 series. Back then, he too was mass catering in a random staff canteen, a few weeks later he made an incredible posh fish and chips and a few weeks after that he was crowned champion.

3 years later and he has come up with some “British Curry Rice” in a pouch. The rice is a collaboration with Tilda and is “limited edition” so I don’t know how long it will be around for. My hunch is that “limited edition” means, let’s see if this sells well and we’ll keep making it, if not we’ll pull it from the range and nobody will bat an eyelid as it was only “limited edition”.

The packet says gently squeeze the pouch to separate the rice, tear the corner and heat upright for 2 minutes. I did my best, but when I opened the microwave door the rice was no longer upright, it was horizontal. Luckily there was no spillage, but I was concerned that I hadn’t done enough gentle squeezing and that the rice had become one large congealed lump.

As it happened I was safe. It tipped out just fine and after a quick fork fluff it looked like a lovely plateful. The packet says ” Dhruv has combined creamy coconut, curry leaf & coriander with fragrant cinnamon, sweet apricots and star anise” so it was time to see if all his work paid off.

It kind of did  – I got the creaminess of the coconut, a waft of coriander and a bit of spice from the curry leaf. I could see tiny chunks of orange stuff mixed through, I assumed that was apricot  but it didn’t taste of much. Overall the flavour was a bit underpowered, but then rice is an accompaniment and if it tasted stronger than whatever curry you coupled it with, you’d be in trouble. The strangest thing about it was the texture, it was al dente but at the same time oddly spongy – I have no explanation as to why that would be.

It seems a shame that after being put through the Masterchef mill, all we get to see from Dhruv is a packet of rice. Rumour has it there is a restaurant in the pipeline, fingers crossed he’ll serve spongy rice there.

Dhruv Baker British Curry Rice £1.59 for 250g pouch

6/10

Jane Asher Rolo Chocolate Brownie Mix

I don’t know how many people Paul McCartney has planned to marry/married in his life but of the 4 I’m aware of Jane Asher has to be my favourite. She’s a great actress and does a splendid line in cakes, check out her website if you don’t believe me. I’m particularly fond of the copyright sensitive “Miffed Birds” cake.  I reckon next in line would be Linda McCartney, she always looks good in a photo stood next to a horse, but then the rampant vegetarianism is a turn off. Next up would be the lady he married a couple of months ago. I can’t remember her name and know nothing about her, but I do know that she must be better than Heather Mills who seems to go out of her way to be one of the most unlikeable people on the planet. I’m sure she has redeemable features, she just does an excellent job of keeping them hidden.

Anyway back to Jane Asher and her packet mix. My last experience of packet cake mix came from another star of the baking world, Mary Berry, you can read that blog here. It didn’t end well, but I kept everything crossed for Jane Asher to win through. On the face of it there wasn’t much that could go wrong, it was called “Rolo Chocolate Brownie Mix” what an inspired thing – brownies with Rolos mixed in!

As should be the way with a packet mix this was a very simple thing to make. It was a matter of pouring the powder mix into a bowl, mixing with an egg and some oil, baking and then sticking some Rolos in the top to ooze and melt. Precision is the key with baking and Jane didn’t shirk from her responsibility, she was clear that a 9inch x 9inch cake tin was needed, luckily I had one and after a swift mix in it went. I was a bit unsure that Jane had got it right, the mix only just covered the tin with a thin layer, it was becoming clear these were not going to be deep stodgy brownies.

After about 25 mins in the oven out they came and I pushed some mini Rolos into the still warm dough. I boiled the kettle, made the tea and took a slice of brownie. It was dry. It was crunchy and overly sweet from too much sugar. It was really thin. It had a half melted Rolo in it that was really good. This was not a brownie I would ever want to eat a again. The best thing about brownies is the moist, rich, gooey inside, none of these elements were present, I imagine this is due to a lack of butter and anything resembling cocoa solid.  The only redeeming feature here is a half melted Rolo.

There are 2 morals to this story: 1 – don’t use cake packet mix it is horrid. 2 – just because a person is your favourite Paul McCartney fiance, it doesn’t mean they can make brownies.

Jane Asher Rolo Chocolate Brownie Mix £1.79 460g from ASDA

3/10

Heston from Waitrose Chocolate Sauce

I have become a little obsessed with crosswords recently, especially since I discovered that you can do the Guardian one online. Obviously I only do the quick or easy ones, I don’t need the clues to be made any harder than they already are by being made “cryptic”,  that is just annoying and means I won’t get anything right because I’m not clever enough. This fascination with crosswords means I have taken an interest in the meaning of words and sometimes I thought I had a clear idea of what a word meant only for the crossword to prove me wrong. This insecurity about my own vocabulary was exacerbated recently when I tried Heston’s chocolate sauce.

I always thought a sauce could be defined as “a liquid accompaniment poured over food”, after tasting Heston’s chocolate sauce I started to have doubts. Judging by the stuff that came in the pot you would define sauce as” a firm lump of congealed brown, that requires a spoon to excavate” at this point I thought I’d check the dictionary to see what they said and it came out with ”Thick liquid served with food, usually savoury dishes, to add moistness and flavour” so Heston’s offering fell short there too – something was not quite right!

The jar states that the sauce can be “eaten hot or cold” but then goes on to provide instructions for melting in the microwave. This is slightly confusing because if you eat the sauce cold it is not a sauce, if you eat it hot, then you are not eating it cold! If you melt it and then let it go cold it re-congeals, so either the jar lies and you have to eat it hot, or Heston is trying to re-define what we all think of as sauce.

I wanted to dip some strawberries in the sauce so I was left with no option but to melt the stuff, as I don’t have a microwave I had to improvise so I scooped some of the sauce into a ramekin and floated the ramekin in some boiling water. Finally I had something that resembled sauce and the dipping commenced.

I’d love to say that all the effort was worth it, but alas it didn’t live up to Heston’s usual high standards. It is is made up of Madagascan dark chocolate, cocoa liquor, cocoa powder, sea salt and espresso natural flavouring, which all sounds very posh and gives the sauce a more complex and layered flavour than a dirt cheap version. It is smooth in texture and very rich with a coffee flavour that intensifies as the sauce cools down, but for all that it just doesn’t taste that good.

Heston you’re better than this and I feel sad that you let me down, especially when a jar costs £3.49 and I could have melted a dairy milk for 70p.

Heston from Waitrose Chocolate Sauce £3.49 for 320g

5/10

Easter Special! One Direction Bumper Pack

I am not the person people come to when they have questions about popular culture. In fact I am the person people avoid. I’m clueless about who people are, what they do and what trends everyone is following. I have never seen the films everyone else is talking about and I wouldn’t be able to name a song in the top 40 if I was strapped to a waterboard by a US marine. I am more useful to people when they want to know what restaurant to eat at for a birthday meal or where they can find a good eccles cake.

Having said all that I have heard of One Direction, I even know one of the members is called Harry Styles – beyond that I get a bit stuck. What I certainly wasn’t aware of is that they are master chocolatiers, who sell Easter Bumper Packs. The bumper pack contains a milk chocolate egg, some mallow pieces and a chocolate wafer bar. I don’t know why Harry and friends chose that seemingly arbitrary selection of sugary treats, there’s no explanation on the packet, in fact there is very little on the packet except pictures of One Direction. The packaging is shocking, not since Paul Hollywood’s Date and Apricot Loaf  have I seen anything this bad. I’m guessing the idea behind it is that One Direction have started it off and it’s up to us to finish the job. There’s lots of outlines of stuff on the front as though waiting to be coloured in, on the back there are pictures of One Direction and then a big space for you to stick a photo of yourself so you can feel part of the band, what a lovely idea.

The packaging isn’t all about activities and DIY though, there are some serious messages on there too like ”Always ask an adult to help when using scissors” and “Brush Teeth” and “Be Active” and “Eat Healthy”, I think we can all agree on the importance of each and every one of them. What better advice can those lovely One Direction boys give us than “Eat Healthy” especially after they’ve just sold us a bumper pack of chocolate egg, marshmallows and a chocolate wafer bar.

I did my best to contain my excitement as I opened the box to find a gold foil wrapped egg, a see through pouch of marshmallows and a fake kitkat. I tore open the foil and broke the egg which was trickier than you’d imagine, I had to bring my fist down with considerable force to break it up. I put some on my tongue and waited for the luxurious chocolate to melt. It didn’t. It just sat there like a piece of plastic doing nothing. When I got bored I took to mastication which resulted in me tasting some strange, bland paste in my mouth. It did not taste of cocoa, it did not even taste of milky, sugary Cadbury style chocolate it just tasted horrid.

Oh well there was still the fake kitkat to try, which it turns out was just as bad. It was coated in the same nasty stuff the egg was made of, but there was also the possibility the wafer could save it. It couldn’t. Instead of being a crisp wafer with a good snap, this one felt like compressed crumbs, it turned to powder in my mouth and combined with the chocolate paste was no fun at all.

So onto the marshmallows – they can’t be that bad can they? Wrong! They were coated in some strange sugar which made the outside quite rough, like a cat’s tongue – it had it’s use though because the rough coating helped to clear away the chocolate from my mouth. Apart from the coating the only other thing to say about the marshmallows is that they were soft and pink and white, which is what you’d expect from a marshmallow so not a complete failure.

Well I think we can conclude from this that One Direction should stick to music and not endorsing food products. I say this not knowing any of their songs, but I am confident that no matter how bad their music might be, it can’t be worse than their chocolate.

Easter Special! One Direction Bumper Pack £1 (from ASDA)

2/10