I am not the person people come to when they have questions about popular culture. In fact I am the person people avoid. I’m clueless about who people are, what they do and what trends everyone is following. I have never seen the films everyone else is talking about and I wouldn’t be able to name a song in the top 40 if I was strapped to a waterboard by a US marine. I am more useful to people when they want to know what restaurant to eat at for a birthday meal or where they can find a good eccles cake.
Having said all that I have heard of One Direction, I even know one of the members is called Harry Styles – beyond that I get a bit stuck. What I certainly wasn’t aware of is that they are master chocolatiers, who sell Easter Bumper Packs. The bumper pack contains a milk chocolate egg, some mallow pieces and a chocolate wafer bar. I don’t know why Harry and friends chose that seemingly arbitrary selection of sugary treats, there’s no explanation on the packet, in fact there is very little on the packet except pictures of One Direction. The packaging is shocking, not since Paul Hollywood’s Date and Apricot Loaf have I seen anything this bad. I’m guessing the idea behind it is that One Direction have started it off and it’s up to us to finish the job. There’s lots of outlines of stuff on the front as though waiting to be coloured in, on the back there are pictures of One Direction and then a big space for you to stick a photo of yourself so you can feel part of the band, what a lovely idea.
The packaging isn’t all about activities and DIY though, there are some serious messages on there too like “Always ask an adult to help when using scissors” and “Brush Teeth” and “Be Active” and “Eat Healthy”, I think we can all agree on the importance of each and every one of them. What better advice can those lovely One Direction boys give us than “Eat Healthy” especially after they’ve just sold us a bumper pack of chocolate egg, marshmallows and a chocolate wafer bar.
I did my best to contain my excitement as I opened the box to find a gold foil wrapped egg, a see through pouch of marshmallows and a fake kitkat. I tore open the foil and broke the egg which was trickier than you’d imagine, I had to bring my fist down with considerable force to break it up. I put some on my tongue and waited for the luxurious chocolate to melt. It didn’t. It just sat there like a piece of plastic doing nothing. When I got bored I took to mastication which resulted in me tasting some strange, bland paste in my mouth. It did not taste of cocoa, it did not even taste of milky, sugary Cadbury style chocolate it just tasted horrid.
Oh well there was still the fake kitkat to try, which it turns out was just as bad. It was coated in the same nasty stuff the egg was made of, but there was also the possibility the wafer could save it. It couldn’t. Instead of being a crisp wafer with a good snap, this one felt like compressed crumbs, it turned to powder in my mouth and combined with the chocolate paste was no fun at all.
So onto the marshmallows – they can’t be that bad can they? Wrong! They were coated in some strange sugar which made the outside quite rough, like a cat’s tongue – it had it’s use though because the rough coating helped to clear away the chocolate from my mouth. Apart from the coating the only other thing to say about the marshmallows is that they were soft and pink and white, which is what you’d expect from a marshmallow so not a complete failure.
Well I think we can conclude from this that One Direction should stick to music and not endorsing food products. I say this not knowing any of their songs, but I am confident that no matter how bad their music might be, it can’t be worse than their chocolate.
Easter Special! One Direction Bumper Pack £1 (from ASDA)